Dear Benzino: You Aren't Important Enough to Get Shot.

Dear Benzino,

What in TARNATION would you have to be doing to owe someone anything for you to get shot? Aren't you the former owner of The Source? I know you got money...why would your nephew shoot you for something so frivolous?

Oh, I forgot. Us Blacks do dumb things like this to get money...or are you Latino? Eh, doesn't matter. I wish you a speedy recovery.

Best,
Black Daria

source: Rhymes With Snitch

Dear Kim and Kanye: You aren't fooling anyone...

Dear Kanye and Kim:

If you think you are going to get away with not paying for your engagement video, you are dead wrong.

Confidentiality agreements aren't always binding...so done with these shenanigans.

Nice outfits.

Best,

Black Daria

source: TMZ, Karen Civil (image)

Dear Grannies: The Blacks are equally confused about Beyonce and Kanye. Trust.

Dear Grandmas:

On behalf of America, we apologize for the lyrics of Beyonce and Kanye West. If you knew anything, you'd know that they are victims of this thing called Corporate America, where they do things like tell you to write ridiculous songs so they can pay their bills.

Anyway, enjoy your crumpets and tea.

Best,
Black Daria

source: YouTube, Huffington Post

Dear Ja Rule: A new reality show? OK, I guess...

Dear Ja,

I won't talk about that party I went to back in the 2000's where your secret squirrel looking ass thought it was your birthday and not Ashanti's. I don't even remember the name of the club, just your arrogance which eventually caught up with you.

Fast forward to 2014. A new reality show? Cool, I guess. Will I watch it? Eh. Depends. I'd choose Revolt over MTV considering that new potential merger with Fuse, and I'd wait about two more years (giving them time to create the reality TV show lane...eventually they will have to fold towards that arena), but this is your life and not mine (#firstworldproblems).

In the meantime, stay your ass out of jail. And make sure you remember your worth when signing that contract. I see a lot of party hosting at strip clubs in your future. Another album? I'll pass.

Best,
Black Daria

sources: MTV, HipHollywood, Revolt TV, Bloomberg, Fuse

Dear Porsha: You aren't fooling me...

Dear Porsha,

Way to work the PR machine! After those 'devastating' reports that you were left with nothing from your marriage to Kordell Stewart, we now learn that you've been secretly dating the very rich son of an African President...

One who seems to not only run his country under a dictatorship, but likes to eat parts of his opponents to gain power.

Sounds like a real catch...good luck with that. Let's just hope you can sell that Rolls Royce his son bought you when you find yourself having a rainy day. 

Oh, and since we all know you didn't go to history classes in school (don't think we don't remember your screw up with the Emancipation Proclamation), you miss, can not be a princess, as he's not a prince. He's just the son of the President. I know, Coming to America was quite the tease.

Nice steering wheel. That's just about as nice as I can be to you.

Best,

Black Daria

Dear Mona: Got $50 million?

Dear Mona,

This isn't looking too good. So it appears that there are two people who are claiming that the Love and Hip Hop Franchise on VH1 is really an idea spun from their pitch to have a show called 'Hip Hop Wives' come to the airwaves.

Copyright Infringement, Fraud and Breach of Contract...if that equals $50 million dollars, then sign me up. I know there's a show out there I initially thought of...

Oh wait. I don't recall signing any contracts.

Good luck with this...that's a lot of ad revenue dollars lost for VH1. I'm just gonna call it now and say they win $10 million. Let's see if I am right.

Best,
Black Daria

source: VH1, CocoaFab

Dear J. Lo: Yes, you would...

Dear Jennifer,

Don't you even lie.

You know you would let both Ben Affleck and Diddy drown (starts @ the 5:22 mark).

#thatisall

Best,
Black Daria

source: TMZ, BigBoyTV via YouTube

Dear Porsha: Damn girl...

Dear Porsha,

It's a sad day for you, huh? I still don't know why, despite reports of you not returning back in December, you are on Real Housewives of Atlanta because you are really not too smart and boring, and now, you gets nothing...

One thing is certain. Doing Kandi's play will not be the check you aspire to have, and I can't see what's next for you, as speaking engagements are certainly not in the future because you can't speak English.

But that is a nice ring. I'd take TMZ's advice and definitely pawn that. You could get some big bucks.

Good luck on the job hunt, I hear Atlanta is a tough market to land a gig.

Best,

Black Daria

source: TMZ, HipHollywood

Justin Bieber: Are you serious?

Justin,

I'm not bothering with any salutations, buddy. You have turned into quite the little prick. I just happened to stumble across this video yesterday in my timeline, and needless to say, I wasn't surprised to see your responses:

A few questions:

1. Are you really popping your collar? That stopped in the early 2000's, I am pretty sure of that fact. Might have even been before you were born.

2. Are you high during this deposition? Did Lil' Wayne and your new hip-hop crew tell you it's best to do these types of interviews when you are under the influence?

3. You don't get to object a question. See that guy sitting next to you? He's your attorney, and that's his job.

I'm done with this. Even Usher wants nothing to do with you right now. 

You do have enough money to retire now. Might want to think about it.

Best,
Black Daria

sources: Hollywood Life, TMZ

Dear Chris: You really need a Girlfriend, huh?

Hi Chris,

So, you really needed to find a way to get a new girlfriend or boyfriend, eh? I don't know if this is genius or not, but I do know this:

If all these girls have to do is add 8 + 2 (click on photo to see this question), take a nice photo, and maybe have a decent following on FB, IG and Twitter...then we've got a problem, Houston. Big. Freaking. Problem.

What happened to good old captcha?

I'd just rather you focus on your album, but hey, I guess your problems are those of rich people.

Fine. But 8 + 2 will always equal 10 so...

Best,
Black Daria

source: RWS

Dear Drake & Rihanna: Are You Dating? Again?

Dear Drake and Rhianna:

Let me just hit the snooze button on this now, but Rihanna has been spotted on Drake's tour:

1. Amsterdam

2. Brussels

Where to next, lovers? Oh wait, this is just another publicity stunt. Carry on.

Best,

Black Daria

source: RWS

Dear Jimmy: Mistrial?

Dear Jimmy,

Great day for you, huh? Seems your trial ended in a hung jury, as no one could figure out your involvement in the murder of Lowell Fletcher.

Not to worry, somewhere the prosecution is coming up with a plan and will be trying to sue you. So don't throw that "I'm Staying Home" party yet. 

Best,

Black Daria

P.S. Is Czar Entertainment still relevant? *googles* Oh.  

source: StupidDope

Dear Michael: Are you the Father?

So apparently, Michael Jackson really did have sex, contrary to popular belief. Not only that, he has a son...at least this is what's popping up on all the blogs, because there's just nothing left to talk about. Fuck Ukraine, I guess. I'm not saying that, I am saying this is what people are saying to themselves, and fortunately, this story isn't trending on my Facebook timeline...

Meet aspiring (which is why this is really happening) R&B singer B. Howard. He's now backing up on his claim that Michael is his father, but I must say, that jaw line is very Michael...and Randy.

So, do you think this is the one? Cause we all know that Paris, Prince and Blanket are adopted.

Best,
Black Daria

Dear Ashanti: Please fire your Stylist...

Dear, dear Ashanti:

Now, I know you are out here trying to make a comeback, but this outfit is screaming Tina Knowles.

Don't lie, she made this for Destiny's Child, and they just never wore it.

Your stylist is fired.

Best,

Black Daria

source: Cocofab

Dear Patti: What in the Kitty Cat?

Hi Patti,

You don't know me, and I've been on a hiatus, but I came across this picture on TMZ and couldn't help myself. I had to post it.

I don't personally own a fur coat, but if I did, I am not sure if this is the one I'd pick. I can hear my friends already screaming about animal rights, and this coat makes me not blame them, not one bit.

True, you are a legend. I even love your cookbook. But this coat...it's just...

...I hate it. You will always be fly, but not this coat.

Best,

Black Daria

source: TMZ